Man, I wanted to find a space to write, I don't really even know what I am doing... what I do know, is that things are constantly spinning out of control. I don't know where to start to fix them, i question all the decisions I am making. What is right, what is wrong, and when things turn out negative, the self blame that I made the wrong decision. I dont know what i take all this on internally. When i decided that everyone issues become mine. Or is it because i take on their issues to avoid mine? Or is it because i care that much about everyone else? Yet, when i do, i certainly avoid my own pain, problems, which creates more Kaos in my own life. Fuck. When, "i realize everything i do, is affecting the people around me." I know that i cut ppl out of my life when things are hard. I know that i do it because i dont want to deal with it, i dont want to bring them down, i dont want to be the person that always has issues. The person that is just always drama, i cant be that person. That person is the type of person that i try to fix. yet, putting me right in the drama. I only do that for the ppl that i care about. yet, the ppl that i care about, are the ones who are dragging me down. How do i walk away from all of that? How do i when i know how i grew up? The things i have lived, been through, experienced, lived through, the hell i have fought, the way i got through it and not to help that next person when i know i have the knowledge and tools to do so? but thenn, they dont listen, take me serious, so i then i get stuck in this never ending battle and commitment to them and to myself to see this through. How long to do i do this. How to give up on ppl and live my own life. My life was so rough for so long. i hate to see ppl living the same brutal life that i did when i know i can help, if they will only listen. but they wont. so i am left disccouraged and lost. I try to figure out what my purpose is. i know deep down, my purpose is to help others. I dont know how to not do that. i dont know how to truly be "selfish" and live for myself. So how do i balance the two? If that is my passion, and i need to control my own life, where is the balance? I have currently , mostly, cut out all the people that bring me grief. I have done that so that i can heal internally and figure things out. what happens after that? who will i be? i feel life i have been living a fake version of me with all my secrets of my past, hiding them behind anything i can. what happens when i have no one to fight for? to help? when i am left to live a "healthy life", will all that wash away? will my past of everything that i can relate to others with wash away or will that be what is left that i all the sudden have to deal with on my own that i have put extremely thick walls up for?
- tiffinycarroll20